Okay, let's start with rage shall we? Today was the day I was supposed to go to a Photo Competition at Fresno State University. Super awesome right? So I was going through this go-or-not-to-go phase and FREAKED. I was freaking out 'cause Miller said it was going to be very stressful. I'm not good when it goes to stressful things, I lose hair and get pimples. O..K.. tmi. So I prepped myself well last night "it's JUST a workshop, Miranda, It's cool. you'll learn things! It'll be fun!" So I was all excited. I went to bed at NINE and took (half of) a sleeping pill. Set the alarm up for 5 in the morning [my ride there leaves at 6] and everything was ready to go.
So I slept peacefully, then I opened my eyes and looked at my clock: 6:00am. I just was.. stunned. I was SO upset, I just covered my face and cried. Like, all that awesome prep talk for nothing. I finally stopped crying at 7 and went back to bed. Woke up at 8 and Vargas [my journalism friend that went to the competition] was all like: "I bought you a rice krispe!" I was like, feeling even worse. I freaking love rice krispes. She had a waste a dollar because of my stupid !$#%@^ alarm clock that wasn't loud enough or whatever.
After, I ended up finishing my book and I felt better and my mom took me out to McDonalds to get the Sausage McMuffin [my extremely bad guity pleasure] and I felt better. Until I get a text from my dad "How is the photo gig?" and I had to tell him that I didn't go. Which got me in the whole puppy in the corner feeling.
We went to see the Lorax with my sister and my mom's friend's kids and it was nice. I felt better. Like way better. then of course, Miller texted me, "How'd it all go??" and I yet had to tell her I didn't go which made me feel ashamed. 'Cause like, Miller is the reason why I was going anyway. So she was all possibly disappointed in me. Couple hours later, I go on facebook and see that everyone who went got a 1st-2nd place. I just crumpled. I could've been holding that trophy. I saw that the one photographer who went [the photo editor] got first place. So THAT slapped me in the face. I was like, mygod. I was furious I didn't go. I kept replaying scenes in my head from yesterday how Woo was all prepping the photographer up and totally leaving me out. then I kept picturing him getting angry I didn't show, calling me a meathead.
Then, I pictured them celebrating on Monday. I KNOW they are celebrating. I'm just so.. madsadangryfustrated about this. I'm going to like cry if someone gives me looks and say like "You should've went." "you would've totally won" I'm guessing that they are gonna put it on the morning announcments too. "Congrats to Tokay's yearbook staff.. blahblah" I'm going to put my head down, knowing I would've been there, my name would've been called. Plus my photography teacher is gonna ask how it went and Anne is gonna come in with her stupid newspapers "and here is Miss Hernandez, on the Newspaper! Winning FIRST place in the competition!" All of the class clapping. Cruz is gonna be like "Hey, didn't you go too?" Then there we would've went again.
I'm not worrying about the celebration in 6th period [Journalism] cause I'm gonna ditch. Well, check in, but I'm gonna be gone the whole time. I'm gonna go to the counselors, telling them my new schedule. "what are your plans for after high school?" then I'm going to say, " I always believed I was going to college but I'm not sure anymore. They take the smart kids and I'm not smart." Cause I can't even pass the 2nd lowest class of Math, I can't even pass Algebra ONE. After 4 classes, I'm still dumb as a pan. the sad thing is, I TRY really hard, I work out the problems, all confident on a test, then get a freaking 2/ 40 on a test. True Story. 2/40 just proves I'm SO stupid. The most pathetic kid in class got a better score than me. There's just no hope for me. I give up.
I wrote on the test: Why even try if you know you are going to fail?
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